“The Emptiness” and when you can’t stop feeling depressed
"People think we kill without any thought, but they don't know what we live with after"
“When they did that to me, they robbed me of something that I can’t get back”
"Nothing mattered after that happened"
“A little piece of all of us died over there. We came home missing parts of us, and what was it all for?!”
I hear statements like this all the time. To sit across from fellow combat vets and trauma survivors and hear them say these things, or to be emailed or messaged them on social media from friends I served with… so many thoughts and emotions rush at me in my personal reaction to them. Fear. Love. Sadness. Concern. Empathy. Helplessness. I know from personal experience that those statements and that depressed feeling that goes with them are coming from a dark ball from the pit of your stomach, or that place where happiness, joy and love for others and of life used to reside. It was a dark ball for me, but what I most often hear is "I feel like there's an empty space inside me". Nothingness- a gap that’s just “there” with nothing to take up the place. You know what, though? There’s nothing wrong with you, and there’s nothing wrong about feeling depressed. We’ve survived a traumatic experience folks. Are we to then just “Fall in”, and continue on with our lives like nothing happened? “Move along, folks… nothing to see here…”
Sure- there’s LOTS of people who would like that to happen, and there are many reasons for that. Some just don’t care, some because (like with the military) their focus is on “Completing the mission”, so they don’t have time for all that “other shit”. Another reason is that it’s just too much for many people to understand or comprehend. Just think about it- those of us who are actually dealing with this shit have a hard time understanding it, so think about the people who surround us every day, who we have relationships with, or just interact with on a daily basis. Talk about being overwhelmed to the point of shutdown, right?
I’m no philosopher; I’m no Zen Master or Cleric. I’m just a Dude who had that emptiness and was lucky enough to be able to begin the process of filling it, and it’s one that I consciously work on EVERY. DAY. I promise you folks- not a single damn day goes by that I’m not working on it in some way. I get up at 5AM every day (yes, even on the weekend!), and you want to know why? Well, part of it is because old habits die hard, and I’m a morning person. But I use that time to take the steps I need to take to get grounded and focused on the day ahead. To remind myself about the legacy I’m trying to fulfill, and the people who’s memory I try to honor doing the work I do. I even take the time when I’m off on the weekends. It’s tough to get in the habit, but it’s important to do it and be aware and mindful of it. It’s all part of making sure I keep that “gap” filled with good stuff, and not with anger, alcohol, depressed feeling like a failure, or anything else unhealthy or unproductive.
The thing I want all of you to know is that we need to try to see through all of that pain, that feeling of emptiness and hurt. “Oh, yeah… OK Don, THAT’S easy for YOU to say! WTF?!” I hear you. But it’s not easy for me to say. I feel good about where I am, but I’m not “cured”. I have that gap just like so many of you do. What I want you to take away from this post is this- that gap in our souls that all of us now have? It gives us a unique opportunity to fill that gap... that gaping hole... with goodness, love, joy, and most of all PEACE. Haven’t we all experienced enough fear, anger, hatred and uncertainty in our lives? All that stuff we managed to make it through, and so many of us bring it home. It’s like we’re still over there, and that’s why so many of us say “I wish I was still there- I never worried about this shit when I was there”. That’s because we didn’t have to think about it- we were always too focused on staying alive. At the time, that’s what we SHOULD have been focused on. But now we’re home, and the focus should shift from “staying alive” to “living”, because there’s a huge difference, people. To be alive is to breathe, eat, crap, sleep. To walk around just making it through the day. Living?! Hell- that’s the good stuff. That’s feeling love, enjoying what you’re doing day to day. The people, the weather, food, friends and family… life. Because after making it through what many of us have, we owe it to ourselves not to just be alive, but to LIVE. To get every damn second of enjoyment and fulfillment out of our time here on Earth. It's like filling a half-empty car or bicycle tire- you don't keep rolling around town like that, do you? No... you go to the nearest place that you can fill it.
What's the place that gives you the opportunity to fill your "empty space"? I don't know. That's for YOU to figure out- but they're out there. If you need help figuring out where to start, reach out to me. That’s why I started Warrior Elder Counseling Services, LLC.
Fill yourself, fill your soul, LIVE your life. You can do it... I know you can. Don’t you deserve it? Haven’t you earned it? (** pssst!! The answer is “YES, YOU HAVE!!” **)
