Father's Day and What We Teach Our Kids

Sometimes we come across things that we laugh at, but then later think- “Huh… that hit kinda close to home”. That happened to me when I saw an article from one of my favorite sources of humor- “The Onion” on social media. The Onion (for those who don’t know) has some really snarky and sarcastic news stories and articles. It’s ALWAYS irreverent, often inappropriate, sometimes awkward and cringe-inducing. In honor of Father’s Day, one of the articles they posted had a nice picture of a father and son sitting in the grass under a tree, appearing to be “sharing a moment”. The headline read

“Father Teaches Son How To Fly Into Rage Over Completely Inconsequential Bullshit” *Here’s the link-

http://www.theonion.com/article/father-teaches-son-how-to-fly-into-rage-over-compl-33487

A couple of my favorite quotes were- “Saying that he always strives to set a strong example for his son to follow, local father Gary Dalton told reporters Tuesday that he has been carefully teaching his 9-year-old boy Zachary how to overreact with blind rage to completely irrelevant bullshit.” And- “…In an effort to help guide his son’s development, Dalton explained that he consistently tries to embody the qualities of irritability, hostility, and bitterness in his daily life, emphasizing to his fourth-grade son the importance of letting his annoyance over an inconsequential matter develop into a lingering, biting resentment that makes others feel uncomfortable to be near him.

 In addition, the 42-year-old market researcher said that he has been making a concerted effort of late to show his boy how to obsess over such ultimately trifling things as a driver going too slow in the left lane or a person who is slightly holding up a line, and to interpret these incidents as if they were significant, deliberate personal slights…”

 Anyway… as usual, I laughed my ass off at it, but later on, sure enough I thought “Huh… that kinda hit close to home”. I was one of those fathers at one time. It really made me think of the example we set for our kids, and what’s shown to be acceptable behavior through that example (and by the way- this is for Fathers AND Mothers- ANYONE who is dealing with Trauma of any kind). Things like the article skewered, but also how we treat our spouses, how we treat the kids themselves, how we treat other people, and even ourselves. Because ultimately how we react to things is how we treat people and ourselves. You don’t have to get angry or frustrated and direct it AT someone- they just have to be around you when you do it, and it can have just as much of a negative impact as if you were to say “DON!! WHY THE HELL DID YOU MESS WITH THE THERMOSTAT!? WE AREN’T MADE OF FRIGGIN’ MONEY, DAMMIT!!!” It’s like an IED going off- remember how they used to talk about ‘Blast Overpressure’ being what killed a lot of folks or caused a TBI, and not necessarily the fragmentation itself? That’s what the flying into a rage over nothing in particular is like for family, loved ones and friends. They’re inside that impact zone, and your rage just ripples out and hits anyone in the blast radius. It affects them- they begin to avoid you, because they know YOU are the “IED” that may go off in 2 minutes, 2 weeks, or the split-second they happen to walk by you and do something (or do absolutely nothing). The term I hear a lot is “walking on eggshells”. People can walk on eggshells all damn day, but even THEN, you can be set off and BAM…. Blast Overpressure hits. There’s the example we set for our kids- that we are to be feared and avoided because who knows what will set us off or when. And during the times we can’t be avoided, everyone has to be on their best behavior so as not to say the “wrong thing”. THAT results in people holding back, not being their genuine selves- free to show happiness, love or simply feel safe and secure around us. Remember how it felt to be in a large crowd or in heavy traffic when you were in a convoy or mounted patrol? That wasn’t a good place to be, physically or emotionally. Well, guess what- THAT’S HOW PEOPLE FEEL AROUND YOU, and it’s NOT OK.

Don’t get me wrong- I know that while we struggle, some things happen that our brains “just do”, and we can’t deal with them the way we want to until we work at it. And getting to THAT point isn’t a simple matter of us waking up one day and saying “Hey! I’m gonna change everything for the better!” I’m not hammering anyone’s ass for that, but I do want to let you know that it’s not just YOU that’s hurting and struggling- everyone around you is, too. Not because they experienced what you did, but because they love and care for you, and see you suffer. Also because THEY suffer because of your actions and reactions around them. It’s a different kind of fear, pain, frustration and suffering- but it’s STILL fear, pain, frustration and suffering in all it’s intensity.  

 For those of us out there still trying to figure things out, I leave you with another article from “The Onion”-

 “All Of Child’s Fondest Memories Times When Dad Trying To Make Up For Things”

ALAMEDA, CA—Thinking back on the moments that brought him the most joy in his life, local 13-year-old Adam Poole reportedly spent Tuesday afternoon reminiscing about several of his fondest memories, all of which were instances when his father was trying to make up for something. “It was so awesome when Dad took me to a Giants game, just me and him out there in the bleachers—that was the best,” said Poole, referring to an outing prompted entirely by his father’s guilt over missing his son’s first soccer match. “And one time he picked my brother and me up after school and took us to the arcade [after losing his temper and launching into a string of profanities in front of the two small children]. He gave us a bunch of quarters and said we could play whatever we wanted and kept telling us we were good kids. That was such a fun day.” Poole then smiled warmly as he recalled how his father often came home with ice cream for the whole family on nights he returned from work after 8 p.m.”

I ask you- What’s really important to us? What REALLY matters in life? Because I try every day to “make up for things”, and one of THE biggest fears I had for a long time was that my kids will have “fond memories” of me making up for things like the second article discusses.

 It’s not easy to admit to ourselves that something is wrong and we need help. I get it. But you have to do something different, because if you are one of the people I’ve been talking about, I’m telling you right now things won’t end well. People love and care for you, they’re counting on you. You CAN do it- I’VE done it, and I’ve seen many others do it, too. What legacy do you want to leave for your kids? I don’t know most of you, but I feel comfortable in saying that you want your kids to be happy and healthy- both physically and emotionally. I know YOU want to be the same for yourself and the ones you love and care about.

Take that step, and ask for help. When you’re ready, I’m here. Let’s talk about it.

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Reflections on Memorial Day 2021

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“The Emptiness” and when you can’t stop feeling depressed