Starting The Conversation- Explaining PTSD and What We Carry
Doing what I do, I hear people share their stories pretty much all day, every day. I’m thankful and honored they feel comfortable enough to share. Inevitably, as the day goes on, I'll think of my own journey, and the pain I carried for years. The pain because of the wound in my soul I brought home, and carried like so many jagged rocks in my "emotional rucksack". I did that for almost 7 years before I got help and began the long, slow journey toward healing. Not matter how well I'm doing, I'm still on that journey and always WILL be on it. That's why I'm on the path that I walk as a person, as a Warrior, and that I walk with others as a therapist. It's part of my healing to try to show Brothers and Sisters who continue to struggle that there's light at the end of that seemingly never-ending tunnel.
We lose people to bombs and bullets in war zones. And people come back to the "safety" of home and continue to fight life and death battles in their minds every day. Battles for inner-peace, for their souls, for the desperate need to feel whole again. These battles are fought because of combat trauma, as the result of sexual assault and in some cases because of both while serving our country. They fight because even after returning, they still haven't "come home". Some win and live to fight another day. However, for far too many it's a battle they lose, it’s one that we barely hear about, and too often we don't feel the effects of... even though it happens all around us.
Until not all that long ago, there was a secret I told very few family members about, and almost no friends- that I was one of those lucky few to live and fight another day. At my very lowest point I thought it would be better if I was dead, and I remember that exact moment like it was yesterday. It was during my mid-tour leave on my third trip to Iraq in 2008 and I was on the riding mower in the back yard. Suddenly I thought "If I was dead, this would all just stop". For many people in the place I was, it can be that simple, that quick, that matter-of-fact. A sudden realization that you feel as though you have no other choice, nowhere to go. All you can think of in that most painful of moments is you want the hurt to stop. I kept that secret for almost 5 years- even after I retired. After all, I was a Senior Non-Commissioned Officer, responsible for the lives of 45 people in combat. I couldn’t allow anyone to know I had these thoughts- how can someone like that be counted on to stay focused when they’re barely keeping it together themselves?
Remember that just because many of us are physically "home from the war" it doesn't mean we are emotionally and spiritually "home". We WANT to come home, but it's hard to know how sometimes. This isn’t anything new- it’s been going on since wars began.
The ancient Greek writer Plutarch, in “Life of Marius” states- “…Tortured by such reflections, and bringing into review his long wandering, his flights, and his perils, as he was driven over land and sea, he fell into a state of dreadful despair, and was a prey to nightly terrors and harassing dreams... And since above all things he dreaded the sleepless nights, he gave himself up to drinking-bouts and drunkenness at unseasonable hours and in a manner unsuited to his years, trying thus to induce sleep as a way of escape from his anxious thoughts.” This was after Marius served in combat in 134 B.C. That’s over 2,154 years ago!
Following WWI, a small book of poems was published titled “Rhymes of a Lost Battalion Doughboy”. In it there are poems about being a Soldier, the monotony, the meaningless shit details, getting yelled at and other things. But there’s many dealing with wartime trauma and experiences as well as the aftermath- coming home and feeling like a stranger and like no one cares. One of my favorites is titled “Thots!”. When I read it, it’s like I’m speaking to a fellow combat vet or a client. It’s like this guy was in MY head 48 years before I was even BORN…
I could go on, but you get the point. Warriors from literally the dawn of time and from every single society the world over have struggled. And here we are, even today… still struggling, still hurting.
I know it’s frustrating to feel like you can’t “get unstuck”, or that your loved one is feeling this way. I know the first instinct is to shut down and “hide in your own head”. Don’t show any weakness, right? “Other people are so much worse off than I am- I have no right to complain!”. I hear this from friends and from clients, men and women. Infantrymen and truck drivers, medics and pilots. We are all struggling to figure out where we belong and what our purpose in life is supposed to be. “Why am I still here, and my buddies aren’t? Why did I come home when so many others didn’t?!” It’s hard to know how to go about explaining PTSD to family and friends.
There’s a reason, believe it or not. What’s the reason? I don’t know- I’M not the one with the answer, YOU are. I had a huge problem with survivors guilt. I mean…. I was carrying around a fucking GIGANTIC rock on my back. No matter what, I couldn’t put that damn thing down and I was always agonizing over the fact that I was still around and other guys weren’t. I finally reached out to the parents of one of the guys killed. After some small talk, I confessed my “Sin” to his father- the Sin of surviving when his child didn’t. You know what he did for me? The gift that he gave me? He said “It’s OK, Don. It was his time, and not yours. You’re still here for a reason… I don’t know what that reason is, and I don’t know what you’re supposed to do with your life, but there’s a plan for you- it’s up to YOU to find out. It’s OK, and we love you.” WOW… even now, that just blows me away…
Take it from someone who whipped themselves for a number of years over this-
Talk, talk and then talk some more. Way easier said than done, I know. It’s hard to know where to start, and I’m not saying to tell just any old person. But if you can find just one person that you can trust with just a part of your story- it’s a win.
Ask yourself “Why do I see things this way?”. Ask yourself what you truly could have done at the time of the event. Remind yourself who is to blame- NOT you. Grieve for those who perished and for the loss of innocence. But, don’t accept responsibility for what happened. When you think back to the events leading up to the loss, you eventually realize you did the best you could in the moment.
Remind yourself that you have strengths. What personal strengths helped you through tough times before? Remember that YOU. ARE. A. SURVIVOR!!
Don’t isolate yourself in “The Bunker”. When did you feel your best, at your strongest? Probably when you were connected to your battle-buddies, your Brothers and Sisters that had your back, and who YOU looked out for. Stay connected with them, and connected with those around you- friends, family, etc.
Always remember- we couldn’t CONTROL what we faced in those situations. Yes, we took steps to REDUCE the chances something bad would happen, but we couldn’t control anything but our own actions. Like I said- if you’re really honest with yourself and look at the FACTS, I think you’ll find that you did everything within your power to make it home, and so did everyone else- including the buddies who didn’t make it.
You’re home and you’re alive- and that’s a good thing. I’m glad that you’re here with us. If you want to figure out some other ways to get “unstuck”, or with taking those first steps toward making some positive changes, check out my website or shoot me an email at don@warrioreldercounseling.com and let’s get started!
