“I’m just one person- what am I supposed to do?!” PTSD and how family can help

So… you’re a family member, friend or member of the community that wants to ask a veteran about their experiences. Many times people in this position may think “What am I supposed to do? I’m just one person!”- and that’s OK. Many trauma survivors don't exactly make it easy. Speaking from experience (personal and shared by others), they may WANT to talk, but they may not know how to get the ball rolling. So one of two things may happen- they may get frustrated with themselves because they can't "spit it out", or when they try/do their efforts are met (or the person perceives them to be met) with skepticism, misunderstanding, a lack of caring or empathy, or something else that results in them just giving up on the effort. Then, inevitably the wall goes up, the mouth slams shut, and they tell themselves "fuck it, no one wants to listen anyway!" That's when the cycle of mistrust, suspicion and isolation starts and as many of you may know, it's ALL downhill from there… one of the many ways PTSD affects family members. 

One of the biggest things someone can do is something so small, so seemingly insignificant as to be not even thought of. The simple act of listening. In my opinion, this lack of listening is part of the problem. The huge sense of disconnect between veterans and civilians that contributes to the misunderstandings, fear and uncertainty both sides feel about the other. The sense of isolation so many of our peers feel after a traumatic experience like a sexual assault or a deployment because it seems like no one cares about what we’ve been through or that others don’t even want to talk about it at all- or that if they do, they don’t want to hear our truth, and the dirty, painful and ugly facts about what happened and what we carry around in our hearts and brains. That’s not just with random civilians- that’s how PTSD and family relationships conflict with each other, too.

There are many factors that cause these issues that effect us. But, in my experience as a trauma survivor and clinical social worker a major contributing factor is that many of my peers and clients feel like no one cares and no one wants to hear or listen to what they have to say. Do you want to know what it’s like? Then look around- we are everywhere. Find one and TALK TO THEM. TRULY open your mind and heart, and ask what it was like. When you do, be there and listen… listen to all of it, the unvarnished truth. You’ll likely hear some pretty horrible stuff, but you’ll just as likely hear things that will make you proud, things that will just make you shake your head in amazement and say “Wow!”.    

There are real people in real pain amongst us right now in our daily lives. Men and women who have survived, and who carry the physical and emotional scars and burdens every day. There are spouses and children of these people who have had their own battles and burdens to carry that are just as traumatic and terrifying- yet another way that PTSD and family relationships collide. Most times they do it quietly and without any fanfare as they survive and cope day-to-day. Their stories continue to be un-told, their burdens and truths remain “family secrets”, their pain and the weight of their struggles remain a mystery to people because we’re afraid to “upset someone”. If you ask, and someone doesn’t want to talk about it, then they’ll say so and they won’t be offended at all, I can almost guarantee it. Better to ask and have them not willing to share- at least they’ll know someone cares to ask in the first place.

There’s no real “template” or way to do it. All you can do is listen with an open mind and open heart. It’s a heavy subject for sure, but if you go into the conversation ready to hear that, you’ll be fine. Survivors don’t expect perfection from you, and they don’t expect you to “know it all”. What we ARE looking for is patience and an attempt at understanding. If you have a hard time understanding or comprehending something, it’s OK to say so. In fact, I daresay that would be a GREAT thing to say because that shows empathy and caring on your part- that you want the REAL truth, not a cleaned up version, no filters where the story changes to make it more palatable.

Make a real difference by speaking to someone face-to-face and showing them that someone truly cares. Acknowledge their story and help bear the burden that they carry. If it’s deployment-related, tell them that what they did in our name is not forgotten and that you honor their dedication and the memory of their lost buddies. Or if they’re a sexual assault survivor that whatever it is that they survived doesn’t mean they’re loved or respected any less. All too often someone will be carrying both of those burdens. That 5 minutes out of your day and those few simple words, that eye contact and human connection that won’t cost you a dime is priceless to someone. I suspect that once you do this, it will be just as priceless to you- try it and see.

If you’re trying to figure out how to start that conversation with someone- whether you’re the family member, friend, or the person with a story to tell- contact me at don@warrioreldercounseling.com and I can help you figure out those critical first steps toward finally feeling like there’s healing and understanding happening.