"Civilians just don't get it!"... and neither do we.

“People just don’t care. They live their sheltered lives and have no idea what we’ve been through!!”
“How can they possibly understand? They’ve never deployed before!”
“I never got counseling because I don’t need some [expletive] who’s never walked in our boots to tell me what I need to do!!”

As someone who works with active duty military, veterans and their family members I hear these statements (and more) on an almost daily basis. As a combat veteran who struggled with PTSD, Survivors Guilt and thoughts of suicide for years, I’m also guilty of saying these things and a whole lot more in the past. I’m not torn between these two worlds- I live in both quite comfortably and I’m happy to be able to do so, but I know there are so many who don’t and can’t. My personal journey to be where I am now wasn’t easy and it didn’t happen overnight. Seven years of suffering (and making those around me suffer) with PTSD, Survivor’s Guilt, and thoughts of suicide during my final years on active duty, then the five years after retirement to figure things out and put it in it’s proper place. It’s by no means over, because I’m always learning and improving how I do things for myself, my clients, and my fellow vets. One of the biggest hurdles for the community- ANY community with veterans is that gap, more like an abyss, really- between veterans and “civilians”. This has happened before, but it’s been brought back to the forefront with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Those of us who have seen and done what we have- the experiences we wouldn’t trade for the world and the ones we wish never happened or that we could forget, owe it to ourselves and the community to share those feelings, emotions and stories. When it comes to this, many times we are our own worst enemies. We get together to talk with other vets, be it one-on-one with a buddy or in a larger group and bemoan the fact that “civilians don’t get it”- all the while not speaking to civilians, or speaking to them just long enough to tell them they don’t know what it’s like. We do it verbally which can deliver the message pretty effectively, but we send even stronger signals non-verbally through t-shirts, decals on our vehicles, patches on our jackets and on our hats. “Medicated for your protection”, “Caution: Veteran with PTSD”, “Warning! Driver swerves for suspected IEDs”. That dark humor is what gets us through the rough patches in our lives and it’s a normal coping mechanism to keep the abnormal situation of combat in perspective. Fellow vets chuckle at these comments. But think about the impact it has on the general public… we “warn” people about how unpredictable we are, how volatile we can be, the fact that we are all “heavily medicated for their protection”. That we apparently teeter on the razor-thin edge between conforming to society’s rules and suddenly turning into a raving lunatic who will have a flashback and cause bodily harm to anyone who dares cross them. We build this giant wall between “us and them”, then wonder out loud and complain to each other about the fact that people are hesitant to hire vets for jobs, that we feel like we can’t fit in when we leave the military and go to college, and why civilians are hesitant to start a conversation about our experiences.

We appear to go out of our way to isolate ourselves, and when we succeed we complain about being isolated and misunderstood. The result? We isolate ourselves even more, we get more resentful, more angry and suspicious, and retreat even further from society. Then the cycle starts again, and it only gets worse each time. We say we hate the stereotypes but strangely enough we love them at the same time and often seem to thrive on them, and then they eventually define who we are and what we will become.

What’s the answer? It’s not to continue running in circles, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome, that’s for sure.

We need to stop putting ourselves “out of reach” to the general public. We’ve confused pride in service, physical and mental toughness and the ability to overcome difficult things with what many of us now embrace- a culture of anger, perceived dangerousness and instability. Be proud and show your veteran status, but do so without making it look like you’ve got a chip on your shoulder or that you’re angry about it. Stop hinting (or outwardly declaring it) to people around you that you’re pissed off, medicated or that you have PTSD. We just make an already difficult and challenging transition home or out of the military even more difficult. Is it fun? Does it bring you joy? Does it enhance your life, your relationships and your overall mental and physical well-being? If it doesn’t, then stop giving it power and importance. Put whatever sticker you want on your vehicle, wear whatever shirt or hat you want to wear declaring your veteran status. Absolutely and without question if you want to say to the world that you’re a veteran, do it and do it proudly. However- stop making it a point of pride that you’re diagnosed with PTSD, you’re taking medication or that you have anger management issues (or that you encourage the perception of that). Is there shame in needing medication or counseling to learn how to cope and heal following trauma? No, there isn’t, but that’s not the problem. The monster we are helping to create is that the public perception is that we're dangerous, troubled & traumatized and we feed into that stereotype by our actions. Let's think about this for just a second... when was the last time you saw a shirt that said "WARNING: Sexual assault survivor with PTSD who's off their meds!" or maybe "Caution- Driver was in a severe car accident: may swerve or slam brakes when having an anxiety attack!"

Because we all have different experiences and we made choices that set us all on different paths in life doesn’t mean we should be fearful, resentful or suspicious of each other. No- civilians haven’t experienced life in a war zone and all that comes with it. So why do we as veterans insist on holding that against them? I read all kinds of outrage when a civilian comments on Social Media, in a blog or the local paper about military members or veterans and they state something that’s untrue. We go apeshit!! Why is it any different when we as veterans call civilians clueless, stupid or uncaring just because they have a different life experience? I have no idea what’s involved with being an airline pilot and the pressure and expectations that come with that job, but that doesn’t mean I’m stupid or that I don’t care. “Treat people as you want to be treated”. If we don’t show respect, patience and understanding, then we damn well shouldn’t expect it, should we? I mean… we used to talk about that all the time when we were in, but suddenly now when we’re out we don’t know anything about it. Why is that?

The other thing that I frequently see and hear is this whole thing with who has and hasn’t supposedly “earned” PTSD. Wait. What? I won’t go back to the whole discussion about PTSD being some sort of badge of honor- I think I’ve covered that enough. My concern is this- why do we insist on “eating our young”?! It’s not enough that many of us have issues with reintegration into the community, but some veterans insist on then making things MORE DIFFICULT for fellow veterans. Why, for the love of Pete do we do this to ourselves?! Is it that things aren’t hard enough for us when we come home? Is it because some of us are so damn miserable that we insist on making other people even MORE miserable? We should be banding together as a team… as Brothers and Sisters who have done and seen things that were horrible and difficult and yet still managed to make it home. We owe it to each other, and to those of us who didn’t COME home, or those that did make it back but lost the battle with inner demons and felt like the only way out was to leave this earth by their own hand. It’s not about who had a tougher job, who left the FOB or not, who shot someone or didn’t. I won’t bore you all with the specific diagnosis criteria for PTSD but I’ll tell you THIS- combat vets don’t have the corner on the market for PTSD, and neither does one military occupational specialty or field, and neither does one gender or another. Stop demeaning and degrading each other. We are all in this together, and the sooner we all realize that, the better off we will be, people! In my opinion, we aren't doing our buddies sacrifices and their memory any honor or justice when we crap on other vet's experiences. Let's do some homework, folks... at the end of the Vietnam War, when many of the vets returning home tried to join their local VFWs, they were turned away and shunned by WWII and Korea vets. Why? Because Vietnam Vets and their experiences were often viewed as invalid, or "not REAL combat". Luckily, many of us (myself included) have been embraced by our Brothers and Sisters who served in Vietnam. Why? Because they know the pain and confusion that we are going through, so they feel COMPELLED to "mentor" us and walk with us on our journey. THAT'S what we should be doing with each other as well.

It’s time for us to educate people. If you want to be understood by someone, the first thing you should do is explain how you feel, what you’ve seen, and what it’s really like. If they have a difficult time understanding you, then don’t just give up. Take the time to try to put it in terms they can relate to or understand. Be patient, be understanding. If it's difficult, and for some reason you can only share a small part, then do what you can. It’s no more than you probably expect from someone else. Be the one that finally helps them understand the sacrifices and the impact wartime service has on not only veterans, but the country as a whole. If we want to be understood and respected we have to be the ones who make that happen. It’s not going to come from a movie, a magazine article or a book. That face-to-face connection is what allows us to really get to the heart of the matter and make it more real to all of us. If we are better understood, then people are more apt to attempt to help us, or speak up for us.

It’s difficult enough to deal with and attempt to overcome the damage these things do to your life and the lives of those around us. Let’s stop with the self-inflicted GSWs to the foot already. If you want to start making those steps to be able to have those conversations, Warrior Elder Counseling Services, LLC can help. Reach out- let's talk.